By definition

The next nine weeks are probably going to be the longest yet, of this longest year of college.  Between fast-paced classes, quasi-teaching, and 'social life' stress, there's plenty to occupy my time, and it saddens me to think that blogging will go by the wayside.  (Hopefully not.)

I just wanted to take a moment to digitally scribble some thoughts down, before all that happens.

Yesterday was the first day of summer.  That means spring is over.  Remember I used to talk about "surrendering spring"?  My seasonal affective disorder.   Well, I got through another year of it, and more than that, I did surrender spring.  All three previous years of college, I cried my eyes out at the end of spring quarter, because of seasonal depression, stress, and circumstances-related factors.  This year, thankfully, I did not have that cry.  I still had the same issues, but it was much easier to deal with.  It will never bother me so much again.

I've been thinking a lot lately about nervousness as fear, and fear as something conquerable.  For example, as a child I learned about God's omniscience and omnipresence, and I accepted that as part of Christian belief.  But just recently I started thinking consciously about what that means.  Do I really believe God is everywhere, and knows every detail about everything in the world, down to the smallest unit of matter?  Do I really believe He is with me every moment of my life? 

I believe this, and at the same time, I do not always live by it.  Just for a minute, I'll try to imagine what omnipresence means, and then I see how, in daily life, I have not thought or acted like a person who believes it.  Fear is natural enough, but so much of it could be eliminated if I took more time to be conscious of what I believe.  This is so seemingly basic, yet it could be a turning-point.

In math, they are always telling you to go back to definitions.  It's a good thing to do when you feel a little lost.

Full circle

Finals week.  Graduation in August.  College - how did that happen?

This summer, in addition to taking two classes, I will be running a full-term workshop which supports one of the computer science classes.  I'm still floored that I got the job.  And very excited, since it is the closest thing to teaching experience I will get.  It will be an interesting challenge.

My internship is drawing to a close.  About a week ago, I gave my summary presentation (required), which turned out to be less petrifying than expected.  In fact, it went really well.  I saw how my public speaking has improved and what can still be improved upon.

So grateful the presentation went well, I followed it up with a bit of (non-) logic: got a budget sandwich and my first/last energy drink.  Starbucks Blueberry Acai Refresher...I don't know what I was thinking.  The flavor was good, but it was like a "heavy" soda pop.  Not my cup of tea, in any sense of the phrase.  ;)

Though there are two months of school left, this week really feels like the end of it.  Everyone is talking about job interviews and commencement.  For many reasons, I decided not to do the ceremony.  Which isn't to say I don't feel celebratory!  It's been a long four years.  I've come a long way, from not knowing my hexadecimal ABCs to learning machine programming and algorithm design.
“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
I'm excited about moving on, as well as a little reluctant to be leaving places and people behind.  Remembering orientation day at university...that morning, I got up and thought, "I don't want to go there, but I'd better face up and be positive about it."  In fact, that fall quarter was very difficult.  But it got better.  I never thought it could be as good an experience as community college; fortunately I was wrong.  The ups outweighed the downs.  Even the downs were so instructive, it's impossible to feel real regret over them.

Now it is summer, and no matter how busy a summer, there must be time for books and art.  Nothing says it like that quote from Hawthorne's "Foot-prints on the Sea-shore"... In our brief summer I do not think, but only exist in the vague enjoyment of a dream.